empowereddamsel

...DCFS would have been knocking on my door a long time ago.  poar neglected little internet journal.  I never really had much intention of using it for anything other than fic finding. 

But, uh, yeah.... went back and read what few actual posts I made on here, and let me tell you... [tell who, exactly?] You, creepy voice over.  But yeah, this journal is now apparently both a means to find fic and a time capsule of shaaaaame.  -___-
I was a senior in high school when I made the earliest of the posts on here and I sound like a goobery little child.  In one post, I'm droning on pretty much endlessly about Charlie and how lovely he is, referring to him at one point as a "sexy man-beast."  ::mouth vomit::  [he was your first love, don't get so down on yourself]  Yes, creepy voice over, he was my first love and I was quite over the moon about him, but it is strange timing, isn't it?  Days after seeing him for the first time in about six months, I end up having to give this guy a punch to the face from which my hand is still bruised.  He gives me renewed misanthropy, I give him a split lip.  [seems like an even exchange]  I agree, creepy voice over, I agree wholeheartedly.  

I'm watching NCIS in an attempt to spend my spring break turning my brain into a strained pumpkin-like moosh. 

FACT:  I want to rip off Mark Harmon's clothes, slam him against a wall, and.....

FACT 2:  I've been apart from my boyfriend for too long.  

But holy mother of god is that man sexy.  His appearance cannot be described using adjectives.  He's just ::guttural noise::  ^_^

There's something really odd about going through things that meant so much to you at the time and that you thought would always hold some significance and realize that they really don't anymore.  It's sort of depressing in the sense that I'm seeing that all these things I've accumulated are just a show of how little I've done thus far.  For instance, I have a little hat thing from a novelty sort of restaurant I went to with my friends last summer that at the time, I took so much care to find the right place for in my room.  Now, I look at it, and I hold it in my hands, and I feel nothing.  I can't even really feel why I've kept it so long.  The fear is that if I do discard of these things, eventually, the meaning will come back to me they'll be gone. 
Even things like old xanga journal entries and pictures and the like hold little meaning for me, and it sort of feels like all the time and care I took writing these things, and compiling the pictures was just a waste.  I wish I didn't feel like this.

For some reason, the person who arranges who will be in the nursery during church wants to start using younger people, like high schoolers with an elementary helper. The thing is, most people don't want to leave their little baby with a high schooler during church, and all the kids older than three go to children's church so there are pretty much never kids in there.  Yesterday, I was supposed to be in the nursery with Lily as my 'helper' but she didn't go to church and we picked up Mark and took him with us so I dragged him down there with me.  After about fifteen minutes, it became obvious that no kids were coming down.  Instead of going back up to the service though, we stayed downstairs to play with the toys. There's a set of those HUGE cardboard bricks in there. Anyone remember those? Awesome.

We built a house...nay- fortress, of them and just sat in it for forty-five minutes, eating the Teddy Grahams. Excellent.

The thing is, I'm pretty sure that if I were to sit down with papa and dad and explain to them my reasons for not caring about church anymore, they would respect it, even if they didn't necessarily like it. I just don't want to have that discussion.

Ah, well, i'm just stalling. I need to go to bed.

goodnight

I've been in a funk as of late.  For some reason, ever since Carrie and Jocelyn came home from school, I'm feeling less a part of my own group than I felt I was during the year when I didn't see them for weeks on end.  I become concerned that maybe we work best when I'm not around them at all and that that's the function of our symbiosis. 
It may sound like a petty, childish complaint, but the point is that the only reason that Mark and Aimee even know Carrie and Jocelyn is through me!!!!  And Mark and Aimee are like, seventeen for god's sake. 
I don't know if it's because I wasn't completely available at the very beginning of the summer or what, but it's like in my momentary absence, they've all paired up and forged "deep bonds" without me.  How pathetic does that sound?  I'm eighteen for god's sake and I'm whining about crap like "oooh boo hoo, I feel weft out."  pfft.  And being so territorial of my friends? come on.  I've never felt like this before, except I guess in like, first grade.  dunno.... 
This was more articulated before I began writing it.
It's like Carrie, Aimee, and Mark  are this tight little trio, and when we hang out, it's like they're giving me the privilege of being with them.  Like I should be so lucky....  It's supposed to be Carrie and I at the center of it, and sometimes the others, but it can exist without them.  Think of it like this:  Carrie and I are the pants and shirt, and our younger friends are like belts, socks, neckties, etc.   It's nice to have them, but there's still a really good outfit mixture without them.  But lately, they've made me into a key chain or the spare button that's sewn backwards into a new shirt.  Even now, I'm sitting in Carrie's living room with she and Aimee, watching movies just like we used to, but it feels completely different.  I might as well be sitting at home alone. 
it's like there's something of them that I'm not a part of and can't relate too, and it makes me feel very, very alone.  This entire past school year has just been compete shit. 
I didn't want to be the kind of girl that just fell to pieces when she wasn't seeing her boyfriend every day, but I'm coming to realize that that's part of the reason I felt so ick this year.  Since he's been home, I feel like he's impatient with me, and I know it's because I've been so short from my other frustrations. 
Hopefully, this won't be going on for much longer and I can start getting back to normal for a while.

I feel like doing something drastic.

apparently, there are these things called "consequences" and when you do something like, say, skip work to listen to a radio interview and get fired, and you parents find out, they happen.  tell me more about this foreign concept of which you speak....

Basically, I didn't think it would be this big of a deal.  I happen to think I am a very employable person, and my talents weren't really being used to there full potential restocking videos and playing Guitar Hero with Paul (this guy, minor character, don't worry about it) for five hours.  *sigh* My parents disagree.  They've decided that as long as I'm not working, I can be their personal, well, whatever, really.  I'm being chauffur, cook, maid, and secretary (litterally, and for no pay whatsoever.  my dad's temp wasn't coming in on Saturday, so guess what I did. ).  

The thing is that they haven't even given me a chance to look for a job yet.  In fact, I think they're purposely keeping me so busy so that I can't.  

I already know that the food service industry isn't my bag, so tomorrow, I'm going to sneak off and put in applications at a few places around town and see what happens.  Unfortunately, I can't use the place I'd been working at for seven months as a reference, because, well, they'd be forced to tell a potential employer that I just didn't show up one day.  Idk.  Maybe I'll give it a shot.  

What is the world coming to when you can't just skip work to listen to your favorite actor talk to your favorite DJ and not worry about everyone else having something to say about it?  Tell me.

And yes, I do know that this is a completely inane problem and that there are far worse problems in the world and more important things I should be doing.  It's just that it's nearly midnight, I have a ridiculous amount of homework to do, and I just felt like doing a bit of bitching.  So there.

So I'm driving to work this evening, minding my own business, and listening to my Sirius radio, tuned to the Broadway station (of course).  After being on the road for about ten minutes, with about fifteen to go until I get there, who would he begin an interview with but......Nathan frickin' Lane.  Even from the first few minutes, it was hysterical and I was like, "okay, I can't just leave my car and miss this."  And then I start to think: how much to I really care about this job?  Turns out, the answer was: not all that much.  Now, I'm not going to try to justify my actions and blame my boss, because it really wasn't a wise decision on my part.  I basically turned around, picked up my friend and fellow Nathan Lane enthusiast, and drove around listening to the whole thing.  But yeah, just checked my voicemail and I'm to come in tomorrow, pick up my last pay check, and hit the road.  *sob sob* Hey, I'm over it. It's no tragedy.  

I don't know if anyone else here has Sirius or is familiar with the DJ stylings of Seth Rudetsky, but he's the main DJ on the Broadway station.  How to describe his personality.....?  Small, very excitable puppy.  Something like that.  He's really funny and excentric and I love listening to him.  This interview....I can't even begin to tell you.  So amazing.  (or amahzing, as Seth would say)  For one thing, he doesn't really like to discuss plays, I suppose because they don't have any songs in them he can play, so he was kind of glossing over most of the plays Nathan Lane had done and just kind of jumping around to the various musicals.  At one point, he was like, "Ok, I'm going to play such and such song, for such and such reason"  (I don't really remember, but it wasn't really anything to do with Nathan) and Nathan goes, "Everythings a fucking musical with you, isn't it?"  If that paints any picture for you what their chemistry was like.  They kind of jabbed at each other here and there, and it was really cool.  There were some points where they were just both completely laughing their asses off.  They talked about how he was trained and how he got his Equity Card, which caused Nathan to groan and swear profusely.  They talked about Forum, and Assassins, and Guys and Dolls, Frogs, and obviously The Producers.   They talked a bit about him doing The Birdcage too.  It was cool when they were talking about the Producers, because he talked about how Betrayed came to be in the show and stuff.  Seth played 'Sue Me,' 'We Can Do It,' 'Betrayed,' 'Hakuna Matata,' and.... I'm feeling like I'm missing something.  There was so much giggling from the DJ (and from Eric and I lol). 

They also talked briefly about hating Hannah Montanna and how some 16 year old guy tried to hijack and plane and crash it in to her concert.  This amused me to no end.  

Well, I must be off, because I'm still at Eric's house because my parents think I'm at work and I have to figure out a way to explain to them why I no longer have a job.  I doubt they're going to be terribly understanding, but I've said it once and I'll say it again: It was COMPLETELY WORTH IT!!

adios blockbuster

It was bound to happen eventually, because I never carded people renting rated-R movies and rated-M video games.  Turns out I don't give a rat's ass that a fourteen year old kid wants to watch Epic Movie.  If he wants to watch that shit, he's pretty much a lost cause as is.

I really really really really hate school.  It just feels like there's no point to it anymore.  If I haven't grasped the stuff we're learning in the past 12 years, these last couple months probably aren't going to help.  
Last year was probably the best year I've had in four years of high school, so I can't really tell if this year really does sucks, or if it just sucks by comparison.  I think I'm going to go with 'it really does suck.' 

Here's what's on my mind this week:

Tomorrow would be my grandma's 97th birthday.  She died four years ago, when I was in 8th grade.   It would seem like after four years, someone would be over a death.  At times, I think I am, but more and more, I realize I'm not.  We were just really, really close, and I can hardly think about her without crying.  Just little thoughts, I mean.  I mean, someone brings up the tiniest memory and I feel my eyes starting to sting.  I don't know why that is.

Short post.  Dammit.

I suppose I should introduce myself a bit. I live in a small leetle town about thirty minutes south of Chicago and am a senior in a high school that is likewise leetle.
For the past 12 years, I've been in the same school system, so I've known most of the other students a very long time. This of course means that business is seldom ever private. For all of this year and most of last year, however,

I've been dating a guy that I managed to keep to myself.

A secret lovah?? How mysterious. *gooey eyes*

I've never brought him around my friends or school for a fair number of reasons. For one thing, my friends, most of whom I'm not particularly close to, are chatty and weird and judgmental. During our sophomore year, one of them started dating a senior and the rest of our friends ripped her to shreds for it. Who needs that kind of crap?

We'll refer to that group of friends as Group A. They are the ones I've known the longest and see the most during the day. This group is comprised entirely of senior girls. Major interests of Group A include boys (of our age group ::chokes back small amounts of vomit::), make-up, things that smell of sugar and flowers, dancing (club style, not the cool kind I do ^_^), drama (again, social style, not the cool kind), gossip, etc. I don't mean to say they're shallow, and I really do love them, but needless to say, I'm something of a wing nut amongst them.

Group B are ones I've known on and off for the past several years. They are a very tight knit group of juniors, comprised mainly of girls with a couple of boys. Unexpected tendency toward cliquiness, but not in a mean way. Interests of Group B include manga, graphic novels, manga, video games, zombies, fanfiction and slash (mainly the girls), perverse (aka hilarious) jokes and banter, history, and have i mentioned manga? I share many more interests with Group B, but don't them as well as members of Group A. They are also a bit more amusing than Group A and are very open minded. They're closer to each other than I am to any of them. Little to no mixture occurs between Groups A&B.

That brings us to Group C. These are perhaps the best of my friends, albeit the newest. All but three of them are older than me, and the older ones adopted me as their resident underclassman two years ago. Unfortunately, this means that all of them, except for the one that is my age and the two that are younger, they are all graduated and although I talk to them frequently, I see them very rarely during the school year. I've been told that I'm something of a reserved person and tend not to express emotion, but there have been times this year that I've been drawn to tears in private and on the phone with them tell telling them how much I miss them and how bored and lonely I am now. It sucks. Group C is by far the most varied and includes the largest mixture of guys and girls with different interests and expertises. They.Are.A.Blast. Interests of Group C include drama (not social, but theatrical ^_^), music, video games, roleplaying, zombies, literature, comic books, figuring out how to survive attacks by zombies, robots, and apocalyptic disaster, scooby doo, running about in the wilderness, Star Wars, musicals, fanfiction, show tunes (mainly the girls), photography, lengthy intelligent discussions, tackling and wrestling as conflict resolution (mainly the guys, but we females are not immune lol.) J-horror and an endless assortment of other things. This is the group I would most like to be stranded on a desert island with. Minor interaction and mixing occurs between Groups C&A and Groups C&B (but not at the same time). This is really the only group that I can say I truly have uninhibited fun with and that makes me feel good about myself.

There was a Group D last year, but I've left them. It's a bad story.

Group E is one that I'm really only tied to through Charlie. They're his friends and are all older than me. Despite this age gap, they've all been pretty cool to me and I like them.

Wow....that was a looooooooooong digression. My apologies. Cecelia need sleep. Sleep good for Cecelia. No food and no sleep make Cecelia go craaaaaaaaaaaazy.

Anyway, back to the subject of Charlie, the boyfriend. Remember how I said how Group A pretty much all disapproved of that girl's boyfriend? Right, well I've used that experience as my bad example to learn from, because although they're still together and will most likely end up married, she's drifted from most of the rest of Group A except for me. We've remained pretty close, even if I don't always agree with her priorities. Well, the thing is that Charlie is three years older than me, making him a year OLDER than the boyfriend that got Mel so much negative attention. This attitude toward age gaps in people of our age has been shared by almost all groups, but at least Group C tends to see the grey area. So, obviously, Charlie’s age is a factor in my caginess. I'm not ashamed by it by any means, but I'm afraid they'd manage to drive him away. Group A is like that.

Another factor is that any time one my friends is dating someone, the others complain that they're not dividing their time equally between friends and boyfriend. This is, of course, total bull. So now, when I can't hang out, my friends just assume I'm being anti-social.

I don't think I'd have any trouble having Charlie meet Group C. Really, I mean it, they're great. In time, they would accept him, and they share interests, so he'd get along well with the guys of my second family. My only problem at this point is this: bringing him around would mean having to explain that I've kept him a secret for three years. That would not be welcomed news. My most meaningful friendships are with those with the girls of Group C, and I don't want them to know that all this time that I've expected honestly and trust with them, I've been keeping something from them.

The other thing is that because most of the Group C friends are away at college. They come home on the same weekends that basically all colleges everywhere have off. This means that on a weekend that Charlie is home, and I want to spend time with him rather than with my friends and they know about him, they would feel like he’s monopolizing my time.

Well, I guess that’s not really fair. I don’t know that they would react that way. They’re probably more mature than I’m giving them credit for.

Finally, (well, not really finally, but it's the last one I'm going to mention today) it's turned out to be kind of fun to have my own little secret. ^_^

Now, we introduce conflict.

I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate my english teacher.

He is a despicable human being. In the words of Dr. Cox, "You kids through around that word so much it's lost all meaning. Now, I have to think of a new word to express my feelings for you. hmmmm....I megaloathe you all." That about covers it. Anyway, one day during Christmas break, I went to a mall in Indiana with Charlie and we had a nice little day together. That was, until we were taking a leisurely little ride up on the escalator and I turned around to look at someone Charlie pointed out on the level below us. As I was turning back around, I met eyes with someone on the escalator a few feet below us. Five points to the thinker who can guess just who that might have been.

Right you are. At this point, we were at the top and stepped off the escalator by the food court. Now, it really wouldn't have looked good to completely turn tail and run away into Sears to hide behind the washers, but I defiantly wanted to. So three seconds later, when he stepped off the escalator with his fiancé, I smiled politely and greeted him, which he took as an invitation to chat. The thing is though, that he really really really does not like me or my friends. I can't really pin point why, but I suspect it may have something to do with the fact that I complained to our principal about him. He's 25, a first year teacher, and he's really very conservative. One day in AP English, we were discussing something, and he made a VERY offensive remark about gays. I let it go, but it happened again one day when a group of us were discussing political stances of the presidential candidates. Someone brought up gay marriage and our great and wise teacher said that he didn't think same sex couples should be allowed to marry because it would be a strain on the health care industry. He said that, statistically, gay men are sick more often and get more infections because of the kind of sex they have. And he wasn't just talking about getting STDs from sleeping around, which would have been offensive in and of itself. He meant that anal sex makes them sick. wtf right? I mean, if you think something is wrong because of your religious values or what have you, that's one thing. Something like that, I can respect, even if I don't necessarily agree with. But to say something completely unfounded like that?

I was like, "Excuse me, but with all due respect, you have no idea whatsoever what you're talking about. You're just...wrong."
And he has the balls to say, "Okay, *chuckle* whatever you believe."
A little voice in my head, which sounded rather squeaky, but still very angry said "aw hell nah." lol. The entire class turned to look at me too, because they know I have two dads. This guy Jason goes, "Dude, are you serious?" and others said similar things.
I said, "Really?!??! I didn't know what a health risk they are. I'll call my parents as soon as this class is over so I can let them know what a sick and unhealthy lifestyle they're leading." The class laughed at him, and he sent me to the office for being disruptive.

I got in noooo trouble whatsoever, but he ended up getting reprimanded.

What's with these digressions today?

Anyway, we're standing there exchanging pleasantries. He introduced his fiance and I introduced Charlie. It stands to note that this English teacher of mine is a twig. He's an inch or so taller than me, but I'd be pretty surprised if he didn't weigh the same or less than me. It also stands to note that Charlie is 6'3, weighs something like 170 lbs, ran track in high school, lifts regularly, and is on his college swim team. Little he is not.

Needless to say, I enjoyed the look on his face when he looked at Charlie and saw a guy who could probably palm his head and toss him right back down the escalator from whence he came. Made me chuckle....

The meeting went something like this:

Me: Hi Mr. SoAndSo. How are you?
Mr. SoAndSo: I'm doing alright, and you? *distracted by sexy beast of man standing next to me and holding me hand*
Me: Same. Happy New Year.
Mr. SoAndSo: You too. Did you have a nice Christmas?
Me: Yeah, it was really nice. We went to my grandparents' and saw the whole family.
Mr. SoAndSo: Cool. *still uncomfortable. awkward pause* Oh, sorry, this is Claire, my fiance.
Me: *shakes hands with Future Mrs. SoAndSo* Nice to meet you.
FMrs.SAS: You too.
Me: This is Charlie. *not adding title to add to discomfort*
Charlie and Mr. SoAndSo: *manly handshake*
Charlie: Nice to meet you.
Mr. SoAndSo: Same to you. I'm sure you've heard Cecilia complain about me at length.
Company: *awkward laughter while no one denies it*
FMrs.SAS: So you're in GenaricMale'sName's English class?
Me: Yes, AP and journalism.
FMrs.SAS: *addressing Charlie* And you?
Charlie: Oh, no. I didn't go to school there and I've graduated now.
Company: *more awkward pause*
FMrs.SAS: So are you two a couple or...?
Charlie and Me: Yep.
Charlie: *looks up at gigantic clock thing* Oh hey, it's nearly 4. Cam and Hania will be wondering where we've gone.
Me: Oh, god, you're right. Well, we've got to go meet our friends. Nice running into you.
Mr. SoAndSo: Okay. Have a nice break. Nice to meet you Charlie.
Company: *general 'good-byes' and 'nice to meet yous'"*
exeunt all

As awkward as the whole thing sounds, that's kind of what I enjoy.

 

o to read as much slash as humanly possible.